Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
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My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
#ProTip
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Your honor these allegations are
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.