Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
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Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.