My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
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The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
LOOOOOOL
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period