Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
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when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
every single time
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress