I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
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[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
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I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.