When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
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My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
San Francisco has too many rules
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.