My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
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If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum