“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
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She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Breaking news:
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
selena gomez
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”