Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
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Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Me redecorating every room in my mind
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
What my back needs
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?