You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
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Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure