My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
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In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message