Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
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Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.