Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
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If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.