Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
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Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
s
oc
i
a
l
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list