Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
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If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
No, I don’t think I will.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
looks legit
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know