Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
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Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
the #horror is real!
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”