She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
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My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Ha.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”