[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
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Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
They grow up so quick
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Welcome to the stomach
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit