Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
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kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.