him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I’m giving up ice.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
A wise man once said nothing.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?