using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
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Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.