Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
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Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?