Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
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me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.