Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
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*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
In Canada they just call them geese
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”