The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
You Might Also Like
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.