A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
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do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.