Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
You Might Also Like
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom