1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
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Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Who did it better?
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity