The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
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I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.