[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
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Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
There is no try. There is only give up.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Does beer think about me too?
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.