Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
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I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”