A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
You Might Also Like
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.