The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
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Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
This is my bus stop.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
why does this building look like a guilty dog