[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
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When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
What if all the cashiers are married?
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now