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Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I feel it
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.