This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
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Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Meow?
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”