“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
You Might Also Like
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭