If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*