[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
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She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro