Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
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“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain