Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
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hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Called it
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I am having an out of money experience.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again