*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
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On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
i dont have time for this