Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
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I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Encore…
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”