A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
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GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver