There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
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One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
don’t we all
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎