*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
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“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.