My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
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Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
same energy
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances