🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
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Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Eat…
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free