Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
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*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
This a good idea
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!