I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
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*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
I’m not stressed
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
This will never not be funny 😭
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light